The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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