Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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