he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
COCAINE IS GR8
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
