Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
