Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My ATM looks so different sober.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize