The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
