We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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