i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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