I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
True strength comes from lack of pants
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
