someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
