i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
