Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
