I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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