Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
