I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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