Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
