he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
