Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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