Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
