yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
