i just sent this text using only my big toe
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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