Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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