Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
