I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Mom said you looked used
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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