I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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