it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
