my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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