I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize