he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
