wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
