I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
