if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize