Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
