I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
