Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
