I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
MIDGETS
????
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
