Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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