found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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