I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
