He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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