We won't sleep together?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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