well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
