Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you never un-have a 4some
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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