My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
