Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
