There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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