i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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