sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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