The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
did you just send me my own nude
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize