Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
