i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
