my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
