My boss' voice literally gives me gas
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
