just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
