I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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