You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize